Where have I gone wrong.

I hate when people ask if I made a New Year resolution. It's almost as if they're waiting for me to say that I have and it's to lose weight. In all honesty, no. I don't make New Year resolutions, those are meant to be broken. I don't want to start myself off on a bad foot with bad juju. I won't get any where that way and I have some serious places to go. I weighed in last night before bed, 361. WTF, how did that sneak up on me? Well, I guess it really didn't 'sneak' up on me, it's been following me around for a while and somewhere in my gravitational pull I acquired more weight. It wasn't like I woke up one day and was a whale. Strange as that may be to think of, I'm pretty sure I did this to myself.

Growing up with 3 other siblings and a mom who didn't work and a father who was retired, we lived month to month waiting for the pension check and social security checks to come in. We had 'the good food' at the beginning of the month and the 'other food' toward the end. So growing up I learned if I wanted some cookies I had to take them and eat then while I could, while there was still some in the package. Carry that mentality over into adulthood where I make my own money, stock my own pantry, and can buy what I want when I want it and it sets you up for disaster. I didn't realize this until it was too late and I was already tipping the scale at 329.

The day my co-workers decided to have at work Weight Watchers meetings was the day I thought to myself that I needed to get in on this. We didn't have the money so my company paid for me. Who would have thought that a company could or would be that invested in an employee that they would be willing to help me with Weight Watchers. The first meeting scared the shit out of me. The leader, can't remember her name, said there would be one person who doesn't lose any weight. I just knew that would be me. I didn't want to be that one person and be embarrassed and let down the company. I thought about quitting, but how could I do that when the company invested its money in me. So each week, I followed the plan. Exercised, counted points, weighed food, controlled portions and at the end of our meetings I was 68 pounds lighter. But once we stopped the meetings my good ole friend Habit came back. Slowly at first, here and there I would make a bad decision. "I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I'll have this piece of cake and not eat snack before bed." Before I knew it, I was in full blown relapse. Eating this, that, whatever. Not caring, not counting, not exercising.

Then came the rude awakening last night as I stood on the scale, 361. WTF, how could I let myself do that? Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to be the one with weight issues? All those thoughts and more flooded my brain, almost to the point of mental darkness. I need help. I am at a place where I know I can't do this alone.

You'd think I would be embarrassed to be my size. Nope. Problem is, I don't see myself as that big. Looking in mirrors, pictures, and videos I see this obese woman, but just looking down or at myself as a whole, I don't think I'm 361 pounds. I'm at a place now where something has to be done. My quality of life is being affected. I'm 29 now, what will I be like when I'm 32, 35, 40? I don't want to wait around and find out. I'm on a mission, and my mission is to change my views of food, exercise, health, myself, and my relationship with all these things. I will not settle for a life that is passing me by, I am going to join this sprint and start heading uphill because that is where the new me will be waiting. I know this won't be easy and there will be a lot of stumbling, but I WILL SUCCEED.

~D